Tuesday, 14 August 2007


No one has asked me yet; infact I don'texpect them to ask for a while. Why my heading says what it does. Basicaly I have been ashamed of me for as long as I can remember. My weakness's. My afflictions that 'cause me pain... the ones that I try and hide. I have tried so hard not to let these things happen. The first time I put on a new personality was just as I started Highschool. It wasn't very differnt from the original, and for a little while I had some friends... Then I became the message carrier from my friends to the boys in my class... I was forced to talk to boys who annoyed and irritated me in line when we waited for classes. When I quit that job, I mostly lost my friends. So I spent lunch and breaks in the library hidding the books I was reading under the shelves so no one hired it out whilst I was reading it. I changed schools 2 and a half years later.

At this highschool I changed my personality a little again. I added a little oddity and a dash of tomboy to myself. I had friends. Then I meet a boy, admittedly the nicest thing he ever said about me was I wasn' fat... I was a tank. I enjoyed his company and I confess really liked him. I told him one day. He told me he liked me too... then proceeded to ask me to get a girls phone number for him so he could ask her out. The term hell hath no fury than that of a woman scorned applied to me. By the time I pulled myself into line again he and I weren't talking anymore and this continued to be the case for 2 years... now we can manage a breif hello and an polite request about what the other is up too.

When I went to college I gave myself a complete rehaul. Initially I was going to hermit, when I wasn't in classes I was going to be in my room studying when I wasn't studying I was in the tv room. Under no reason what so ever was I to go to boys dorm. I did this for a number of weeks... then I was discovered. A little mischief was added. The mischeif strengthened. Then I was involved in a group and there was boys in it. For the first time I wanted them to notice me, old personality out the window... and a new one was invented... I got noticed I won't say it was nessesarily for the best reasons. Didn't want to date one; that close and he'd see the flaws in my personality. I just wantted to exist in their eyes.

I still remember who I was. I was the girl who would cry when I recieved a letter from my dad. I am the girl who would cry when she came home from school because no one was nice to her. I was the girl that wantted to love everyone and trust everyone. I was the one that had it turned on her over and over again; till she couldn't rememeber a time when her heart did not ache. I was the girl who was sent to therapy to be fixed because she cried. My heart is my weakness my tears my outward sign. The day you catch me at it; please please don't run away... I'll already be scared...


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