Monday, 13 August 2007

Day one

The sun is not out today, and the rain is intermittent. If I was a character in a movie; I would have to say that the weather matches my mood. I am not exactly miserable just as it is not exactly raining. I am re accustoming myself with old familiar feelings.

The feeling of not existing. I've been loud and noisy for a number of years and it still didn't bring me a sense of existence. For a little while I was wanted but even then I didn't exist beyond my gender.

The feeling of being all alone. For a while I managed to convince myself someone actually gave a shit about me. They didn't, well not the way I wanted them too.

And the oldest feeling of them all. To desperately have feelings for someone and know they can never be fulfilled. I know I messed up, and I can't ask for a second chance. I just wish I could. Every time I speak to them I hope that maybe they think the same. They made me feel like I existed and and I was alone. Just that little bit, made me feel happy all the time. They have moved on and I got to too.

Time to welcome back old feelings the way one welcomes an enemy into ones home. I can't seem to get rid of them. Telling myself I matter does not change the way I feel I am treated


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