Saturday, 18 August 2007

Progress Report

Well it has been a little while since I dropped the armor personality.But I think I just managed a week without the feeling as if I am being attacked. I still feel a naked and not completely comfortable being just me; but I suppose I was much much more innocent and pure last time I was just me.

The few people who are aware of my attempts are adjusting ok. Being as really there is only two that are properly aware I manage to have somewhat current updates on what they think.

The first wants me to change and I think isn't fully convinced I have dropped the repulsive bitch personality.From here is where I have felt the most attacks; they don't mean it they were angry with me but it did leave me a little hurt and confused. Sometimes I get a little confused still and wonder why I am letting myself feel so vulnerable for this person; but I mustn't change for this person I must change for me. This person doesn't deserve the burden I would put on them if I stopped trying to change because they didn't want me around anymore.

The second well this one has taken a little time to get used to the fact that well the highly strung sex mad personality is not going to come back. They think I sound unhappy and thinks I have a far to low a view of myself. In part she is correct, I have been unhappy. Just being me has never done me any favors, It is all well and good to be the nice quiet and responsible type but I don't want to be the one running around doing everyone else's shit while they sit around basking in my work and having a life. But as I get more comfortable being me I am getting more content.

I suppose it is still going to be a bumpy road a head, whose existence doesn't have bumps. I still have to focus on the task I have been trying to avoid; It needs to be done though I still really don't want to do it. If I don't I will only keep hoping for the unachievable and that will only mean frustration and a mean evil streak.


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