Wednesday, 29 August 2007


If the picture to the left actually makes sense to you;

  1. I am so proud of you
  2. Do you know other stuff like it
  3. Can you make it work
  4. I wish I didn't/couldn't
Still working on my self inflicted project. Still wanting to scream at it. Feel like I am not getting anywhere with it....

Grr Grr Grr!!!

Hoping that I can get the final bugs sorted out; and prehaps some major changes are required; we'll see I suppose.

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

This is so childish

Ok now I have had three replies back from Doberman breeders. All of which saying they were no longer breeding Doberman pup's. The third of which gave me their reason for doing this. "Sorry we have no pups available due to tail docking ban."

Now I know that there are a lot of reasons for and against docking a dogs tail. An I personally do like the look of a doberman with a docked tail and military style cropped ears (both of which I understand you can not do now); but in the end you should want the dog for it's personality temperament and companionship; especially if all the signs you post on your breeders web page say you can only have a dog if you swear not to breed it or show it etc.

It is a childish move by Doberman breeders to all to decide to no longer breed because you can't chop the dogs tail off. It isn't going to get the ban lifted for you; in fact due to media portrayal of a Doberman in movies and the like it is more likely to encourage it as people will think it is one less 'dangerous' dog gone. You are getting rid of a line of dogs in Australia, and the few that will be left will be so interbreed that it will completely destroy the line.

Are you in it for the dogs or the fashion!

Monday, 27 August 2007

I want!!!

As you might be aware by now I desperately want a dog. To be precise I want a Doberman. So today I e-mailed every Doberman breeder I can find in my state. So far only one has replied and she did not send glad tidings. She said, "Nearly all breeders have stopped breeding so puppies are very few and far between." I was very disappointed to read this. I have researched different breeds of dogs and I really think a Doberman is the perfect dog match for me.

I don't want to have to go back to the drawing board and be left with something like a Labradoodle or something as dreadful. I want a tough manly man man dog (to quote my father) exterior; not a poonce like exterior. Why Can't I Get What I Want; Never!!!


I was talking to a person last night about dogs. It was a shock for me to discover that they might have such an ignorance about dogs. They insisted that dogs are ignorant and dopey and where created to bite people.

Generally dogs that bite have had poor leadership. Also a dog will let you know that he is thinking you are being threatening; so you can not be bitten and not know it wasn't coming.

Dogs are pack animals and I think that humans have a lot we could learn from them.

When you meet a dog; introduce yourself. Don't cringe; pull away or run away screaming. Get down to the dogs level; extend your hand to it. Keep your body language open and calm. Wait for the dog to come to you. After he greets you; then you are welcome to pat him; don't forget to praise him for coming and saying hello.

Crotch sniffing, yes crotch sniffing is an embarrassing dog trait which we wish they never did. But dogs mark their territories by sent; if you watch a dog meet another dog, they great and then go around and sniff their butts. Basically they are learning what smell means they are on that dogs territory. It is like we learning to spell a persons name. Your crotch has the strongest smell of you and the dog is trying to learn your sent. It is what they do; but you can assert your 'dominant dog' status and push them away.

Seriously if you show a dog respect he will show you respect. If a person yelled at me and raised fists to hit me; I would back away they are defensive and need just a little more space. So when a dog growls and shows his teeth do people it is the same thing; as on a person though don't turn your back and run. In this situation you are immediately giving the dog alpha dog status; he is in charge of the situation and he will exert his position over you.

Dogs are smart and intuitive. They can't tell you in English when you hurt them but they mannerisms and behaviour will. How many times have you done something silly and a dog has looked at you his head cocked to the side; if he was able to speak he'd probably say. "I know your human but are you really that stupid?"

I love dogs best animal on the planet, and I can't understand why people are happy to live in their ignorance. When I finally get my dog we are going to visit the person I was talking to and give them an intensive meet and greet dog understanding weekend.

Sunday, 26 August 2007


You know that feeling of falling you have occasionally when your sleeping and you wake up and your heart is pounding in your chest and your breathing is rapid. I been dreaming it (and waking) a lot lately, and I am not even jumping off cliffs or parachuting to find that I am wearing my back pack rather than a parachute. I am just getting off the escalator; darn slippery things.

My list is still kinda sitting awaiting fulfilment.

My room is still trashed; the colours chosen curtain material bought but no freaking idea what to do with the stuff in my room at present so that I can paint. Thinking I should pull my finger out tonight and just shove everything I got into boxes and move them out and deal with the mess when I unpack later.

My dog. We are still at a standstill over this one. I am constantly being advised just to bring my dog home and make my mother deal with it. If I was not a grown up mature very aware of how I wish people to treat me and had not read and reread my etiquette book till it's cover is almost falling of; I would. This however is not the case and I am trying to do it the correct way. The standstill is that my mother is not saying yes or no without a 'contract' which has consequences if the dog and I ruin her horrid unused backyard.

My Program Ok so we are making a little progress here. It is coming together and every day I am discovering how big a bite I am trying to chew. At a small dilemma presently with my codes but when that is sorted I should be able to progress a little further. Also a tonight thing prehaps

My computer. Well here I will have to say the most progress has been made. I now have a shopping list. Two more small things to sort out and I will be ready to build. Yay; though I would like to have a fresh painted brand new room to put it into.

That is about all my list now. There are other things I really want on my list and a few things sitting on the edge of my list begging to be done but I don't think I have the present rational capabilities to make those decisions just yet.

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

Excitement Plus

Yes I know that a computer is just a material object and once I have it I will be as miserable as I have been before but presently I am buzzing with excitement. With help from a friend (a lot of help) I am going to build the perfect computer (for me).

My biggest wants

  • are lots of storage space (and I mean lots)
  • Fast
  • capable of running modern games
  • multi-tasks really well
  • Runs quietly (I don't sleep well when it is downloading and making all that noise)
  • I also want to be able to run two operating systems similtaniously
An my friend thinks we can make this happen; and his guesstimated cost is less that I thought it might be. Yay Yay Yay!!!

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

My Online Baby

talofa got their Neopet at
This cutie is the sparkle of his daddy's eye. His big green eyes don't miss a thing and he puts the spark in Talofa's day.

This is my little baby; and I take really good care of him.
His present stats are;
  • Strength - Great (33)
  • Defence - Semi-demi-godly
  • Move - Mach 3
  • Intelligence - Mega Genius (52)
And he is only 5 and half months old. He has a Diamond Deposit account which contains $458,000 np and earning an interest of $120 np daily. He also runs a small store as a hobby for some play money. He loves a good game of Kacheekers and is looking for other lovers of the game to play against. Please come and say hello.

Computer Illiteratie

Ever since I started using firefox instead of Internet explorer I have run into a small delemia. I seem to have lost all understanding of HTML and CSS. I know I know how to use these codes; but I can't seem to get it to show up right on my screen. Suddenly what was easy to understand and not a problem to type up and get correct(ish) now seems to be a huge problem. I have in the works a huge project and it has all come to a stand still because the miss perfectionist that I am with my coding isn't anywhere near correct in it's out put any more. I know I could go back to ie where it is correct; but at some point I am going to have to cross this bridge anyway. I am still only in stage 2 (The html and css phase) I already am nervous about stage 3 (php and sql). I know I can do this; I just can't seem to comprehend what I am reading. It is like I am looking at code for the first time again and it is all in double dutch. I know I can figure this out but it is so frustrating at the moment.

Monday, 20 August 2007

Audio and Guttered

I am at a loss as to what sort of story I would like to hear when I am driving in the car. Presently I have a 45 minute drive with nothing constructive happening during it. Sure I have music CD's but as I have lost my enjoyment of singing along or air drumming they are just annoying. I also have the radio where if I hear the same competition questions one more time I am going to scream. Yes yes I could sit in my car and enjoy the silence; I could also let go of the steering while and close my eyes, silence tends to set of my day dreaming and imaginings not somewhere I want to go when I am driving. So I thought perhaps I might get a story on cd to play. There are quite a lot of good stuff out there; but it is like putting me in a bookshop and telling me I can only pick 1 book and mustn't buy another for a year. If you have any suggestions I am very open to hearing them.

Oh and Last night I dreamed I got plastic surgery. I was very proud of the 2 huge cuts stretching right across my belly. I was supposed to have 2 days bed rest; but as I had done it in secrete no one know and kept getting me up to do things; I was in a little bit of pain. I went visit my boyfriend; but my sister was already there with him so I went home again. Don't remember much else.

Sunday, 19 August 2007

Mr Darcy

Since I have Pride and Prejudice on my mind at the moment; it has lead me to ask this bizarre question. Would a Mr Darcy like person marry another Mr Darcy like person. I have to admit I do have a Mr Darcy like streak to myself such as the belief that, 'My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.' Though I think most people do not see this as something they should be concerned about. I too have troubles getting my head and my heart to agree. My head say, no you can not have that, it doesn't want you, it is above your station. My heart says mwah ha ha! You are going to love it despite the rationality of your head. I also usually run on the belief that my heart is evil and must be ignored till I can bare it no longer. Would a person like that find a match in another person like that?

I suppose I have my good points too. I have the fighting spirit of Elizabeth also Jane's ability to still want what has been denied her and look upon these feelings as an illness which must be cured. I have also at times pretended to be Lydia, so much effort, and so much trouble it was almost not worth it.

Saturday, 18 August 2007

Progress Report

Well it has been a little while since I dropped the armor personality.But I think I just managed a week without the feeling as if I am being attacked. I still feel a naked and not completely comfortable being just me; but I suppose I was much much more innocent and pure last time I was just me.

The few people who are aware of my attempts are adjusting ok. Being as really there is only two that are properly aware I manage to have somewhat current updates on what they think.

The first wants me to change and I think isn't fully convinced I have dropped the repulsive bitch personality.From here is where I have felt the most attacks; they don't mean it they were angry with me but it did leave me a little hurt and confused. Sometimes I get a little confused still and wonder why I am letting myself feel so vulnerable for this person; but I mustn't change for this person I must change for me. This person doesn't deserve the burden I would put on them if I stopped trying to change because they didn't want me around anymore.

The second well this one has taken a little time to get used to the fact that well the highly strung sex mad personality is not going to come back. They think I sound unhappy and thinks I have a far to low a view of myself. In part she is correct, I have been unhappy. Just being me has never done me any favors, It is all well and good to be the nice quiet and responsible type but I don't want to be the one running around doing everyone else's shit while they sit around basking in my work and having a life. But as I get more comfortable being me I am getting more content.

I suppose it is still going to be a bumpy road a head, whose existence doesn't have bumps. I still have to focus on the task I have been trying to avoid; It needs to be done though I still really don't want to do it. If I don't I will only keep hoping for the unachievable and that will only mean frustration and a mean evil streak.

Friday, 17 August 2007

My Hidey Hole

I need help. I am designing my room and trying to decide whither to go practical for my future; or to go practical for my room. I got two drawings and I dunno which one looks best; it should be all to scale.

what do you think?

Thursday, 16 August 2007

Dream; Dream; Dream...

When I need you....

Last night I dreamed I went on a holiday with my family and my 3 favourite males (not something I would really do) Anyway somehow my boys and I got separated from my family and were chased by pirates. We got caught when we reached the swinging bridge; as the pirates knew the area well and swung in on vines and surrounded us.

Things weren't to bad on the pirate ship. Well not for me at least as one of the crew members was my cousin. I didn't see my male friends though they disappeared. A few days later I found them down in the bowels of the boat. They were laying on crates and were chained up unable to leave the small space. On the wall was a head of a beast; I thought it was just a decoration until I saw it look at me.

Up on deck I found out that the pirates where going to cut my friends heads off and give them to me to take him as a reminder of the trip. I wasn't very fond of this plan (I like my friends to keep their heads) so I arranged with my cousin that she will save them for me. I gave her my jewellery box for payment. At the last meal before I was going to be set down to go home (still intact) this pirate gave me a present to show how glad he was to have met me (he was kinda creepy) it was my jewellery box. I freaked out a lot and thought my friends where done for.

I was let off the boat at the dock and I made a beeline for the place where my cousin said she would meet me. She wasn't there and neither were my boys. I knew I couldn't hang around so I tried to push aside the panic and wandered around the little port. Before I couldn't wait any longer and went and checked the spot again; she still wasn't there.

Then my mobile rang. I answered and it was her. She said she was coming and just wait. Her voice was very very calm. I was really nervous; then I saw her coming down the escalator. My 3 favourite males in toe. I was so relieved. I hugged my cousin gratefully (ok so more like grabbed her and spun her around; I was so happy to see them all in one piece again). One of my friends commented to the other males how my cousin got a hug and they didn't; so I hugged him too.

I woke up then my heart was still racing.

Whenever I want you
All I got to do
is Dream...

Wednesday, 15 August 2007


Avoids occupational activities
Views self as socially inept
Occupied with being criticized or rejected
Inhibited in new interpersonal situations
Declines to get involved with people
Embarrassed by engaging in new activities
Refrains from intimate relationships

If you wondering what that is; it is a mnemonic for Avoident Personality Disorder. I have not been diagnosed with this or anything; but it does sound far far to familiar. I know the things I desperately want I also know I only seem to screw it up when I try and achieve it. Saying that maybe I have APD won't fix it; in fact it won't fix me; but perhaps maybe you might understand why I have stupid fears (like being caught crying) why I might get overly stressed and panicky when talking about how I feel and why I will desperately try and avoid situations that you consider normal. I already know it is in my head but sometimes it feels like it is all real.

I will try and fix this; but I am not to sure how. I am not going to counsellor's, they tried to fix me when I didn't need fixing and now I have a wardrobe of personalities for different occasions. Can only imagine what they might try and do now.

Baby steps... first step admitting there is a problem (complete) second step.... not to sure what that is just yet.

Slumber Land

Dreamed again last night we were driving around I had my car (no flat tyres) we paused on the side of the road for a second and I went across and got into another car to ask a question and suddenly continued on leaving my car behind. The lady in the car pointed my attention to a huge sprawling area of land were there were kids camping. She told me how her company was going to sell it all and build high risers soon.

As we came to the edge of the land I made them pull over it was very beautiful and relaxing and I thought it would be nice to camp there so we got out of the car to have a look around. There was a nice river running through all crystal clear and flowing. We heard kids further up the river saying not to go in there were red diamond adders in the water.

Once again a creature you are more than likely unfamiliar with. It is an amphibious snake, it isn't really dangerous to humans only because we are to big to fit into their mouths whole but they have a very nasty bite. They are about 1 metre in length. Their attack is to strike and swallow their victim whole; no strangling and no venom. They are brown like small stones with the 3 red diamonds just at the back of it's head. In the water these 3 diamonds are the only thing that distinguish it from the bottom of the river.

Of course I went over to the river and found one. I picked it up just behind the head with one hand and a little further down the body with the other (just as any Australian would... (people Steve Erwin was an idiot! not a hero at some point an animal was going to take him anyway... the croc's are just jealous a stingray got to do it)) it thrashed around something crazy. the more it thrashed; the tighter I held on. Till I realised that when I let go he was going to turn around and bite me. I had to ask the man to take it from me and let it loose.

As the man took the snake out of my hands I woke up.

Last Call

I am so very tired I've tried being something else; apparently as that, I am a repulsive bitch. An being me just makes me upset all the time. Memories of why I tried not to be me come back. I am always the other person, the third wheel, the last resort (if death an illness aren't an option). I have done everything, I've asked guys out and I have dumped guys; but i didn't do it for me. Never once did a guy look at me they just saw my friends/the girls I worked for. I don't understand why I just don't measure up.

I just got so tired of being left. So tired of picking up the pieces for everyone else. So tired of holding myself together because if I didn't there would be no one to pick up the pieces. It's like being the last doll in the shop. I'll go back to the manufacterour unopened and untouched because everyone else already has their doll.

My life is once again of existence only when you have a problem. It's always been there my inability to put myself ahead of others. My ability to bend over backwards to find solutions for your problems. My ears to listen to your problems no matter what they were. And my heart to accept you no matter that yesterday you broke my heart and tomorrow your going to rip out my guts. Today I am here for you.

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Please leave your life at the door.

I got the forms for the camp of death last night. And though my position in the company has changed. My position on this camp has not. Last year I almost died. I succeeded but I still almost died. With that as my prior experience only a crazy person would consider tackling it again. Well my form already has my death certificate stapled to it just in case it is required; best to be prepared. For this trip we should carry about 1/3rd our body weight. Last year I carried 30 kg's in case you think that was a lot (it was trust me) going on my body weight I could carry more. Must pack less this time; considering leaving the food behind this time. Wasn't like I ate it anyway. (please note this is a joke and I do intend to take food; do not attend camp of death without food). Ok; smile.... get excited....., Camp of Death will be great!!!


I went and saw the movie fractured last night. It was really good; what appears to be a straight forward story has an essence of frustration as the bottom falls out of a straight forward court case. The Lawyer and good guy Willy Beachum is played by Ryan Gosling (from the notebook); he has one foot already in the fast lane and just needs to finish up this case to get the other foot there. He thinks he's hit the big time and when the bad guy choses him as opposing council he doesn't question why, he sees it as an open and shut case.

The bad guy Ted Crawford is played by Anthony Hopkins (best known as Hannibal Lector) it takes very little imagination to realize that if Anthony is playing this role the character is going to be a very calculating genius. Ted Crawford is an amazing character, he's calculating and has everything figured down to the finest detail. Ted selects Willy as his opposing council and the two of them build an interesting relationship.

It is a good movie. Everything is put down in front of you and it is logical worked through. It doesn't jump about showing you bits here and bits there; just shows you how things happened. It is like a jigsaw puzzle all the pieces are there, but you can't use them. I should like to watch it again sometime.

Sweet Dreams

Last night I dreamed I was driving to work. I knew exactly where I was going and where I was. The problem how ever was the town I was in was not on my way to work. In fact it doesn't even exist well not out side my own head. I know the lay out of the town pretty well and soon it occurred to me that I needed to turn around, so I turned up U Turn Rd (yes that is the name I always do u turns here) and selected the drive way which I was going to use to assist me in turning around.

Now you need to understand that U Turn Rd curls around a mountain and instead of the houses being on the inside side of the road; they are actually on the outside side, lots of poles and dizzying heights here. The drive way I chose (choose often actually) is not actually attached to the road; it is separated by a gap of about 20-30 cm and is a little below the road by about 10 cm; I dropped a set of keys down there once... a long night of trying to find them again.

Anyway I got into the driveway and turned around, during the turn around my car felt like it was driving funny. I got out and had a look. In dropping into the driveway I had busted all 4 tyres. I pulled one tyre back onto the rim; there was not much I could do about it. I drove the car back up onto the road and down into the town and found the nearest tyre guys to fix it. I called work and told them I would be late and didn't recognize the voice on the other end of the phone. When I got put through to someone who knew who I was I found out I wasn't expected at work, the strange voice belonged to my replacement.

I woke up a little after that.

Spider Man

The day has barely even started and already my heart has raced at above normal speeds. All I can think about it that episode in Couplings...

"You get a glass and a piece of card. You put the glass over the spider. You slide the piece of card under the glass so trapping the spider. Then you take it our side and let it lose in the wild."

Spider man Spider man doing what ever a spider can...

If you are wondering what brought this on I had an encounter with a spider this morning. A big brown hairy spider. He was sitting on my right shoulder. As I picked up the phone to answer it I saw him initially I thought it was a stray chunk of hair then just as I said hello he moved down my arm. I have never sworn at a potential customer before. Luckily for me it was my mother and I am sure had it not been once I recovered and explained the discovery to a customer things would have been ok anyway. I shook him off on to my desk and finished the phone call. (during which my colleague came over to find out about why I had the sudden desire to swear quite so loudly.) Then I got a small styrofoam box and a piece of card as per Patrick's instructions; (I didn't want to use a glass)and I took him outside. Whilst my colleague, the brave man that he is, kept a long distance away and requested that I don't put him anywhere near his car.

I don't mind spiders. I used to keep one down the back of my bookcase; though mostly it was for his protection I lengthened his life a couple of weeks that way... till mum found him. But they are such quiet little creatures that they have a habit of scaring the crap out of you when they appear on you shoulder.

"If your like some people and you find a spider on one arm and a have a chainsaw in the other hand... " (Ken Davies)


No one has asked me yet; infact I don'texpect them to ask for a while. Why my heading says what it does. Basicaly I have been ashamed of me for as long as I can remember. My weakness's. My afflictions that 'cause me pain... the ones that I try and hide. I have tried so hard not to let these things happen. The first time I put on a new personality was just as I started Highschool. It wasn't very differnt from the original, and for a little while I had some friends... Then I became the message carrier from my friends to the boys in my class... I was forced to talk to boys who annoyed and irritated me in line when we waited for classes. When I quit that job, I mostly lost my friends. So I spent lunch and breaks in the library hidding the books I was reading under the shelves so no one hired it out whilst I was reading it. I changed schools 2 and a half years later.

At this highschool I changed my personality a little again. I added a little oddity and a dash of tomboy to myself. I had friends. Then I meet a boy, admittedly the nicest thing he ever said about me was I wasn' fat... I was a tank. I enjoyed his company and I confess really liked him. I told him one day. He told me he liked me too... then proceeded to ask me to get a girls phone number for him so he could ask her out. The term hell hath no fury than that of a woman scorned applied to me. By the time I pulled myself into line again he and I weren't talking anymore and this continued to be the case for 2 years... now we can manage a breif hello and an polite request about what the other is up too.

When I went to college I gave myself a complete rehaul. Initially I was going to hermit, when I wasn't in classes I was going to be in my room studying when I wasn't studying I was in the tv room. Under no reason what so ever was I to go to boys dorm. I did this for a number of weeks... then I was discovered. A little mischief was added. The mischeif strengthened. Then I was involved in a group and there was boys in it. For the first time I wanted them to notice me, old personality out the window... and a new one was invented... I got noticed I won't say it was nessesarily for the best reasons. Didn't want to date one; that close and he'd see the flaws in my personality. I just wantted to exist in their eyes.

I still remember who I was. I was the girl who would cry when I recieved a letter from my dad. I am the girl who would cry when she came home from school because no one was nice to her. I was the girl that wantted to love everyone and trust everyone. I was the one that had it turned on her over and over again; till she couldn't rememeber a time when her heart did not ache. I was the girl who was sent to therapy to be fixed because she cried. My heart is my weakness my tears my outward sign. The day you catch me at it; please please don't run away... I'll already be scared...

Monday, 13 August 2007

Day one

The sun is not out today, and the rain is intermittent. If I was a character in a movie; I would have to say that the weather matches my mood. I am not exactly miserable just as it is not exactly raining. I am re accustoming myself with old familiar feelings.

The feeling of not existing. I've been loud and noisy for a number of years and it still didn't bring me a sense of existence. For a little while I was wanted but even then I didn't exist beyond my gender.

The feeling of being all alone. For a while I managed to convince myself someone actually gave a shit about me. They didn't, well not the way I wanted them too.

And the oldest feeling of them all. To desperately have feelings for someone and know they can never be fulfilled. I know I messed up, and I can't ask for a second chance. I just wish I could. Every time I speak to them I hope that maybe they think the same. They made me feel like I existed and and I was alone. Just that little bit, made me feel happy all the time. They have moved on and I got to too.

Time to welcome back old feelings the way one welcomes an enemy into ones home. I can't seem to get rid of them. Telling myself I matter does not change the way I feel I am treated


I am very tired of being what everyone wants me to be. I am very tired of being the loud noisy person I try to be. I don't want to be the only one standing holding the pieces of my world as it shatters all the time. I know I lash out in appropriately at times; and I know I have a tendency to make males take the brunt of my confusion and hurt.

I want to trust someone. I want to feel I can love someone without being slapped in the face. I want to be able to cry and have someone to turn to for comfort. I am so very scared. I desperately want your attention; but I dunno how to get it without offending you and sending you away.

I am an eight year old trapped in a grown ups body.

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