Monday, 3 December 2007

Perdonare e dimenticare

Feeling the need to air secret dirty laundry today in an effort to figure out whether I am insane or perhaps I have been treated badly and my feelings are justified.

I kinda realised that I harbour a lot of contempt for certain members of my family and I am not sure if I should so I been thinking about reasons that I might have been given to learn these feelings.

In grade three my sister was being marked unfairly by her teacher more then once. My mother should know she would have done a large portion of the work. My mother wrote an essay numerous pages long, made copies and handed it to a bunch of people on school board and such and even took my sister for an interview at another school with thoughts of moving her because of the bad treatment. I was terrorized by all the kids in the school for as long as I can remember and all the teachers turned a blind eye to it. I was never given the opportunity to change schools until I told my mother half way through year 9 that I had been thinking about secretly moving schools on my own.

I've always had to wait for my sister. Take for example M15+ movies; After I turned 15 I was allowed to watch them for a week; after that I wasn't allowed to watch anything more then a pg until after my sister turned 15. Though she was the first to watch an M movie, she watched Liar Liar under age at the movies for a friends party. Mum says she didn't know. Despite the fact I told her over and over what it was.

My mother claims that my sister was always friendly to me and supported me. That I would like to point out is bullshit. When I say the whole school terrorized me. I include my sister. She is just as guilty as the rest. It was a well known fact to be friends to me would get you alienated.

My mother has done the majority of the work for all my sisters assignments. Yes my sister actually types them; but the hard yards were done by my mother. I have been told I am smart I don't need help. She says my sister isn't smart and needs all the help she can get if she wants to make it in the world (If your reading this; Yes your kinda loving mother thinks your stupid!)

When I got tonsillitis I had it for over a week before my mother agreed I was ill. I couldn't swallow without pain; breathing was difficult and my tonsils were the size of golf balls by this time and I was still going to school. I still have the offending articles and they are very easy to see and enjoy getting sore on occasion. When my sister gets a cold we go get special tissues and lozenges and give her the day off.

Getting car liscences, my sister was pretty much on her full liscence before I even got my P's because my sister could afford to pay for driving lessons. I could not afford them and so I was going to get my uncle to teach me; but no one could be bothered to take the time to take me down to see him; and I wasn't allowed to catch the train down as he brought me back the only time I did it. My sister was allowed to drive my mothers manual practically new car. I had to beg to be allowed to drive the automatic car that had had three previous owners.

Every weekend is taken up doing things my sister wants to do. Shopping/Surfing etc. It is a large inconvenience to do things I would like to do. All calendars are organized around what my sister is doing. To bad if I end up double booked. Lives are rearranged so she can attend events only to have her decided she isn't going to go after all.

Her rudeness, lies and stories are encouraged. From a young age she would hit me and then I would get into trouble because I must of hit her first for her to hit me. My existence is just to make her every wish a reality. I must marry so that she can be a maid of honour, (She of course picks all the dresses and the accessories and who will be in the party where it will be and who will be invited, but she won't make a speech of course). I must breed so that she can have small children to terrorize whom she believes will adore her. I must go on holidays I don't want to be on so that she doesn't have to go alone. I must ruin my holiday by being thoughtful of her because she doesn't know how to quietly entertain herself without a tv.

GRRR!!! and these are only off the top of my head. I have to admit the majority of them suggest I am severely jealous of her. But Jealousy leads to contempt and even hate. Any admittance on my part that I dislike my sister is met with a "No you don't she's your sister you love her." Any reference that suggests my mother is only my sisters mother is also squished flat. I am suppose to tell certain people how great they are. How do I do that when I want to be able to say I don't lie to that same person. I want this person in my life; and I don't want them in it. I knows I am a bad person for thinking it, they are my family I am supposed to love them just because we are related, but I don't. I would rather I had no family.


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4 comments:

Della

This kind of thing unfortunately happens pretty often in families.

And more often than not the adult who maintains the offending (and practically abusive) behaviour will say that it's the child imagining it or that they're jealous of other siblings or it's done for "their own good". I've seen it happen a few times to people I've known and you find that most people outside the family know what's going on but won't ever confront the adult over it.

It's all so stupid because it's so damaging, but the parent doing it just sees it through some variety of self-righteous rose-coloured glasses where they're right and the child is wrong, simply because they're the "adult."

Kaisa

Yeah; it is true, I have seen it in other families. As an outsider it is hard to say to a parent, 'pull your head out your arse'. And there is no successful way of telling the child that you are there to support it if it needs help. Your supposed to protect the family image. Encourage strong family ties... Yet how you do let a child know that he/r's feelings are noted and you are trying to figure out a way to help them.

Della

That's a good question...

Sometimes I think it can be useful to have a bit of a confrontation about it, though. With one family we knew, we spoke to one of the parents about their behaviour and it did help.

I think that might only work for those who actually don't realise what they're doing is wrong and how obvious their favouritism/non-favouritism is to others. For those parents who don't care and are quite happy being the way they are, it'd be a different matter entirely...

Kaisa

mmm... it is also hard to make sure that you aren't putting your history onto a situation. I know a child who because of their nature is often easily over looked. It is easy to sometimes imagine she is just like I was. So you kinda got to be careful.

Though she's looks beautiful when you make a point of noting she is there and she smiles

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